Plini and tinnie :)

Date with my best girlfriend pauline. Just hit the mall and had a lot of fun. lol

we ate at Dulcinea, I don't know if I like the lasagna though.

me being super vain, never thought I have a lot of yellow stuff. haha

forever21

We got addicted to this! hahaha

A complicated thing.


I just gotta share this,

This crush.... of mine.

Such a lame start I know, cause here I am, a 21 yr old girl talking about her crush.
Now, that just sound so highschool I know.. But whatever. Im at the school library trying to concentrate on the things I should have done or I should do, or should I? really. I don't know... its hard.

This guy.. I've known him for quite sometime now 4 years maybe? we were just text mates at that time. We'll not really text mates, but we've known each other through texts by common friends. If you know what I mean. We barely talk, we just used to say hi and hellos whenever one of us are online. I mean, we have planned for meet-ups before ofcourse but it never happened. Probably because there's no chance. I was dating someone at that time, so for 2 years I didn't make myself available for meet-ups. He on the other hand, had his on and off girlfriend for 5 years and had girlfriends once in awhile every time they part ways, atleast that's how I see it. So basically, maybe a part of me never really liked him. I think he's cute and all that, goes to an Int'l school somewhere in taguig. Owns suv cars. Handles family business since he was young. He's not that tall though. But he's fine. I like his eyes. But we never really get to know each other.. we were just, that. Nothing. Just someone to each other, not even someone maybe.

Until..... just last month we decided to meet up. Ha! Finally. But he invited me a lot of times before that, but I would always say NO or maybe next time. But something came up and I said why not. So there you go. We went out. got a burger, went to eastwood and ate donuts and stuff. He would hold my hand while driving, walking.. but I would always take it off, because I don't know. I always had this awkwardness with guys, I don't feel comfortable. So yeah, it was a simple date, deep inside of me I thought maybe we're not really meant to be lovers. I mean all the while I was thinking how I don't see myself with this guy. It feels weird, we don't have anything in common, he smokes.. which is ridiculous! (I hate smokers btw) I told him he should stop but he said he's not really into smoking he just smokes once in awhile. but still.. he's a smoker, and that would be like kissing an ashtray for me. So NO. But the date went on smoothly, until we were talking while he was driving and I asked him something about how he would surprise a girl, if he likes surprises.. or how he would do it.. surprises you know.. because I like it with boys. But then, he told me why should I tell you? maybe it's gunna be you... then UNINTENTIONALLY, I must've said something bad like "just maybe, you never know", and he must have taken it the wrong way... then he said. It's like I'm pushing him away for the whole day and he said that if I don't like him that would be fine and yada yada.. I kept on explaining how I didn't mean it that way, but but.. sighhh* so he just kept quiet. and that was it. He drove me home and we said our goodbyes and he kissed me on the cheeks.. and to the final bomb I jokingly said, why do you have to kiss me with lips? I was expecting a cheek to cheek kiss then I laugh but he got offended, I saw it in his face. and I was mortified myself!! why do I have to be so complicated?? maybe because I have this fear about boys.. afraid of getting hurt and whatnot. So I think it was really my fault. We were the same after that date though, he would text me and stuff but he never really ask me out again after that, until just last tuesday but I cancelled it again cause of my sch sched and now he's leaving somewhere in province with friends and I was left here thinking... I really like this guy. It was me who pushed him away, pushing people away from my life. Because of this fear of getting hurt. Of committing into something that will never work out anyway.

See, Im this negative bitch. What should I do now? I don't even know if he knows that I like him, I don't think he got the idea though. Cause I was never showing him. Though I really want him to know that I do - without even saying it. Cause I don't wanna sound so desperately needy and clingy... and like an aggressive needy. y'know. Eww, no plan of doing that to anyone. except Ryan Gosling maybe, but thats another story.lol

ugh!! I don't like it. And Im scared that my flirting skills maybe a little off at the moment. since I've been single for quite sometime now. I might mislead him or something and would turn out to be a total lame ass trying to get his attention. But srsly,  he's driving me like cray-cray. and I hate this feeling!! It's really complicated.. and probably turning into a more complicated thing called, love? NO. Im not inlove. I just like him.. thats it.

I like him and I've never liked anyone like this for a long time now.
and It's hard. and its scary... I hate to feel this way.

So what should I do? I need some advice :(